Things People Say to Widows (and What We’re Thinking…)
By Michelle Allen Whispering Willow http://www.echoesofthewillow.com
People mean well. They do. But sometimes, the phrases tossed at widows like band-aids—“You’re so strong,” “He’d want you to be happy,” “Everything happens for a reason”—don’t heal. They sting.
So let’s laugh a little, cry a little, and finally say what we really think.
- They Say: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” We Think: You don’t have to imagine. You could just ask.
- They Say: “At least you had all those years together.” We Think: Doesn’t make today feel less empty, but thanks.
- They Say: “You’re still young… you’ll find someone else.” We Think: Grief isn’t a vacancy sign, sweetheart.
- They Say: “He wouldn’t want you to be sad.” We Think: He also wouldn’t want me to be gaslit out of grief.
- They Say: “Everything happens for a reason.” We Think: You sure about that, philosopher?
We don’t need perfect words. We need presence. We don’t need to be fixed. We need to be heard. And most of all—we need to give ourselves permission to say, “That didn’t help me” without guilt.
Because sometimes the strongest thing a widow can do is rewrite the response.
“The Things They Said”
By Michelle Allen
They said all the things
they thought they should—
wrapped in ribbons,
delivered with tilted heads
and well-meaning eyes.
But words can’t reach
the marrow of missing.
They didn’t know
that silence often speaks more kindly
than tidy clichés ever could.
They didn’t see
how she still sets two places some nights,
or how her laughter sometimes limps
on the way out.
But she nodded. She thanked.
And later, she rewrote every sentence
into something true.
And maybe that’s the quiet miracle:
turning shallow comfort
into deep, fierce grace.
Because she may not have asked for the script—
but my God, she edits like a poet.
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